“I’m Just a Gigolo...”
Or, could you be my soulmate?!?
Hanes’s friends know that he is an internet dating recidivist. Hell, half of his friends are chicks he met online. If you’re gonna scam the babes you can’t always lay it fully on the line. Few, if any, respect that approach. As a result, you’re forced into little white lies and “sins of omission” in order to achieve maximal marketability. Of course, this is very much a two-way street and plenty of women fib or omit many salient facts and tidbits of information. At this point, Hanes has just about seen it all. But because I can’t say what I really think in my dating profile and expect to ever get laid again, I figured this is just the spot to vent, fulminate, express bewilderment, mock, run the whole gosh darn gamut. If you have a weak constitution go read about wine or music or pet a puppy or something. If you want to see Hanes at his bilious best and need a few good macabre cackles, well...
First, the ongoing list of “Forbidden Phrases,” those so noxious, repetitive, contentless or just annoying as to make Hanes weep, gnash his teeth and rend his clothes. So, here is a list of the most clichéd, hackneyed, trite words and phrases Hanes has been forced to read over the years as penance for his womanizing. Send Hanes your own favorites!
Soulmate
Equally comfortable in jeans or a little black cocktail dress
Adventure
Well-worn passport
Love to travel
Successful
Creative
Artistic
Attractive
Chemistry
Sophisticated
Like to laugh
Passionate
Stylish
Ambitious
Unique
Family is important to me
Live life to the fullest
Spontaneous
Partner in crime
And, remember girls, life is not like Sex and the City!
310am. is there a handsome man awake, by chance... - 33
Reply to: pers-012345@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-28, 3:16AM EST
Well yes I've been partying, its not like I got up because it was time to make the fucking donuts. Who are you, do you wanna text.
HANES SAYS: Sometimes, I regret being more of a morning person than a night owl. How could I prossibly have missed the opportunity to interact with this graceful swan? Ahh, destined to forever miss my soulmate. Timing is everything...
slopes? - 33
Reply to: pers-012345@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-10, 11:35PM EST
Bunny is curious....
HANES SAYS: When perusing the “wild west” of personals postings on Craigslist I see these kinds of posts all the time. And I really don’t get it. “Slopes,” “skiing,” “snow bunny” are all thinly veiled references to doing cocaine. C’mon, people, what is being gained in employing such lame-o terminology? One could say that mentioning drugs by name might alert the police authorities, who troll Craigslist looking to bust drug users. Fine and dandy. Even a cokehead can be prudent at times. But aren’t these euphemisms so common by now that anyone would know immediately what is meant by them? Including both the police and any judges who would preside over a drug case? Where’s the plausible deniability of intent to use drugs? I mean, coke has always bored Hanes and he’ll stick to wine and little ganga, thank you. I just don’t get it, can’t users come up with new euphemisms that are not so transparent that even Hanes understands them? Same for “420” as a synonym for pot. Either speak clearly (i.e., “pot” or “coke”) or find some new term. Apply a little mental elbow grease!
All this said, I suppose the men who would respond, and who are not in fact cops, deserve whatever they get from these cokehead chicks. The lack of written imagination portends poorly for any imagination between the sheets. Just saying, that’s all.
More fodder for the “shoot me now” category of life. That’s right, you guessed it. Hanes’s dating life. Time for some public catharsis therapy. Of course, and as always, names have been changed to protect the innocent. Not that I think they are innocent but that Hanes, he’s a classy guy. Even if he can do no right with women.
Girl on Match “winks” at me. That should have ended it right there. Winks are super-lame. But profile says some good things, she looks cute, if unphotogenic. (Much, much more attractive in person.)
The usual email banter ensues, albeit with the spacing of days. Ten days pass and then it’s first date time. We trade numbers beforehand in case something goes wrong last minute. Goes well. She’s 34, we discuss the fact that neither of us want children, she’s a native NYer too (Bronx), can put down the booze, likes a lot of time to herself, etc. In fact, she makes it a point to say she isn’t the type of girl to have hour-long conversations with her boy every day nor see him five times a week. OK, so time for Hanes to play it mellow (those who know me long term know I usually suffer from the other extreme, getting too excited and scaring the chick off).
Date #2 is eight days later, a mellow dinner. Albeit, not cheap! Hah!
Then she gets all busy at work and such. I try not to be a bother. Two weeks pass with minimal contact outside of making plans to see a movie on a Friday night. The movie was fun (Borat, how could it not be?) but it was liking going to see the movie with your sister or something. Any flirtatiousness on her part was approaching zero. And then we pretty much split up right after the movie. Bad sign #1.
I figure, fuck it, this chick needs to show me she’s interested. (Little did I know that is not following the proverbial “Rules”) I am believer that the “chase” happens both ways if it is to happen in a healthy manner.
Four days of silence and then I initiate the sequence of emails you find below. Suffice it to say that these are the kind of experiences that get Hanes down on dating. Hell, when the woman approaches you first, and she turns out to be damn close to perfect, and then it still don’t work out, well, what the flub? Grrr. Internet dating is for the birds. But it’s an easy narcotic. Sometimes you can take it all in stride, other times you just want to vent (i.e., type). Thus, this bit of spleen. At least I still have my liver.
******* HANES *********
So, the last few days been treating you well. I certainly hope so. Weekend fun enough? Parents OK? What play did you end up seeing?
Besides all that fun quotidian stuff, the blood of our day-to-day lives, why, there’s something else on my mind! To wit.
First, lest it go unnoticed. I think you are fun, level-headed, extremely attractive, funny and easy to get along with. Plus you can hold your drink.
That said, I can’t say when the last time was I have encountered such opacity during the dating dance. I candidly and frankly have no idea what you feel about me. We’ve been out three times and both have said there’s no problem going slow. However, I am accustomed to a little more continuous contact than we have had in the weeks we have known each other. Email, phone, carrier pigeon, whatever. If there’s no contact it’s an “out of sight, out of mind” scenario and any accrued momentum gets lost.
This is to say, anyone who is entertaining the potential idea of seriously dating someone should ideally be excited enough about them to want to stay in semi-regular contact. While I am indeed (and I think you agree) mellow about dating, I also do desire that sense of excitement. Like a kinda “Wow, I get to see Marc this Saturday, that’s so cool.” And, naturally, equally reciprocated.
So, I am unsure how to assess where things have been, are and/or may be going. It’s really a black box to me. Thus, I throw myself on the mercy of the court (and just got a summons for jury duty today) for some guidance. I don’t know “how you roll” in these things. But hopefully the above gives you a baseline sense of where I’m at.
What sayeth thou?
XXX OOO,
Marc
******* UNNAMED WOMAN *********
Marc,
I’m inclined to agree that it’s fairly common to be much more in touch than you and I have been. That being said, I gave you my # before we met for the first time and you’ve never used it. So I can only assume that you feel I should be making the first move of calling you. I suppose men and women *should* be on equal footing with that. And if you think so too, you’ll certainly have Gloria Steinem behind you! But personally, I’ve always felt that 40 odd years of feminism won’t so easily erase 10,000 years of behavior; my theory is that if at the start, a guy doesn’t like you enough to pursue you, he probably doesn’t like you enough. (The fact that someone else cashed in on “He’s Just Not That Into You” before I could put pen to paper is my too bad).
Now, apathy’s not necessarily the case with you... I’m just explaining why I personally don’t chase guys I’ve just met. I think we’re pretty similar creatures in a lot of ways. Maybe too similar to ever get anything off the ground. I’ve been seeing a couple of people that I met around the same time and they haven’t been playing it mellow. They’ve been calling, trying to establish a connection. You’re probably in the same boat and you’re right, we have lost the momentum by not doing the same.
I think you’re a cool person. At this point however, I feel like we’re just too much alike to be more than friends. Some people want that similarity, and trust me, I’ve baffled those types before. But I’m not looking for someone just like me. I prefer, and have much saner relationships with complementary types, as opposed to similar types. I appreciate your honest and forthright question. I hope you won’t be offended by an equally honest answer... That’s where I stand.
[Name]
******* HANES *********
Hey [Name],
No offensive taken. I always value honesty and a straight shooter.
It is kind of funny to me, though, that you feel that way. You said pretty explicitly at the outset that you need your own space and don’t want a boy calling you every day to see what socks you were wearing, etc. As a result, I was intentionally restraining my desires to call or email. In retrospect, seems like a mistake. Not my first, certainly not my last!
As you know, I’ve done a lot of dating in my time. Maybe even arguably too much. For better or for worse, I do have a pretty good sense of what I like in a woman. And the truth is you are absolutely one of the most desirable women I have dated in recent years, i.e., you hit all the food groups and then some. So, again, sorry I was not able to express this.
As you believe we’re too much alike to proceed further I do hope that one of your other dudes ends up in the winner’s circle. It’s always better to find someone cool sooner than later, duh. And, as we have seen, the initial dating dance can be a drag, much nicer when you’re in a steady rhythm with that special someone.
Regards,
Marc
******* UNNAMED WOMAN *********
Hi,
I can see how there might have been some confusion about what it is that I want. I guess somewhere in between the guy who calls every day and the guy who doesn’t call. But don’t feel like you did something wrong. If my hunch is correct, I would have come to the same conclusion about similar temperments sooner or later. Think most people have a preference one way or another when it comes to the whole similar vs complementary thing. Like sunrise or sunset... the Beatles or the Stones. Of course for some it’s more subconscious. Thanks to much navel gazing, I’m a little more aware of certain ingredients in the mystery of “chemistry”. Can’t claim to have it all figured out, but hey, I’m trying. Do wish you the best in your search as well...
[Name]
Looking for Mr. Not-So-Right-But-What-The-Hell - 32
I hate spontaneous. Spontaneous really translates into “I’m Captain Ritalin.” So don’t be spontaneous.
Tall? What? I don’t want to have to stand on a stepladder to nibble your ear, you miss all the earwax that way. Funny in sarcastic way.....no. Sorry. Barf. I hate sarcasm. Save it for Dorothy Parker. I also really don’t care about successful. Do you drive a Mr. Softee Truck? Want to dip my vanilla cone?
I also really don’t like adventurous guys. After working an 8 hour day that NEVER lasts 8 hours, the last thing I want to do is go all the way out to Staten Island with you because there’s a new underground-chic “hot” Albanian-Cajun fusion restaurant where the love child of Ani di Franco and Sarah Brightman performs at midnight. Don’t even think about asking me to go backpacking through Europe or Southeast Asia or Jersey with you, either.
You can be nice, if you want, but I don’t like nice. Just be an a--hole and I’ll love you in that non-suffocating way for who you are. Being a jerk is almost as hot as that stomach pudge that you get from eating too many Recession Specials at Gray’s Papaya because that’s all you can afford. And all the free Mr. Softees you can eat.
So how about it? I may picture Danny deVito when you’re riding me, we’ll probably kid ourselves into a long term committment followed by a marriage that my mother hates, followed by separate bedrooms when you bring home the temp and I bring home the bartender, followed by a few awkward threesomes where we try to make it work, followed by a divorce where I get your Mr. Softee truck and you pay for the tattoo of your name on my lower back to be removed.
Now THAT’S hot.
HANES SAYS: Bravo! Bravo! Encore! See, Hanes is not always negative. Here is a chick who “gets it.” A true literary tour de force we have here. Naturally, she never replied to Hanes’s response. No, that would make too much sense. In any event, it was a great read and should be noted as such. Note, no picture provided and it was on Craigslist which means anything goes in terms of reality and veracity. Anyway, Hanes likes Mr. Softee.
Here I am looking to find compatibility, sparks, and maybe even something special. Hope to find a mature, intelligent, tough and tender guy who has a good heart and can touch me the right way. Must I write more? I think you get the idea. Of course I am willing to share much more one-on-one.
HANES SAYS: These type of profiles always make me scratch my head. I mean, this is it, that’s the extent of her textual “how do you do?” Besides the fact that she is Asian, 35 years old, 5’6”, slender and wants a guy 30-45 years old and 6’0” to 6’4”. Any fellow can log onto Match.com and read hundreds of profiles in a single day. Does this woman think this prose (and no picture on her profile) is going to make her leap out from the blur of profiles whizzing by the reading eye? Anyone who posts an internet dating profile has to provide more than this or it’s impossible to gauge the person accurately. A guy could read 20 profiles that sound exactly like this. What is he supposed to do, write all 20 women? Who has the time to start and maintain 20 conversations at once? And without getting confused and/or seeming like a mass-mailing spammer who responds to every profile ever put up by a female with a pulse? If you want a guy to make you feel special and like he is paying attention to you and not viewing you as a number in a sequence, such paucity of information is not going to get the job done. I could respond to such profiles but with what opening line? “I don’t know anything about you at all but I feel the sparks just reading your profile!” C’mon, gimme a break. To be fair, the same goes for men who also post lamely brief profiles.
My friend Amy always says I write too much in my profile and that women like mystery. Maybe this is so in an environment where the sheer quantity of competition is not so staggeringly large, but most of the major internet dating websites have so many members that a simple query within a ten year age group spread will bring back hundreds of hits, even with some other qualifiers (ethnicity, height, body type, income, have children, etc.) checked off to reduce the number of hits. I say better too much information than not enough. Give the person a sense of who you are rather than throw up a photograph and a few bland sentences which could apply to zillions of other people. Unless you really are so bland and like everyone else. Then it’s cool.
OBSERVATIONS: Ever in love with sweeping generalizations, Hanes has witnessed that a certain type of woman appears to haunt internet dating sites more than others. Most “normal” women have realistic expectations of romantic relationships, this being informed by a restrained self-image. They see themselves as kinda cute, kinda smart and just kind and caring. And they want a man who will be a good husband and/or father, provider and not sleep around, end up with a nasty coke habit or turn out gay.
As a result of these more or less average set of expectations, these sort of women don’t really have a problem finding men. Or, more to the point, The Man. If not during their twenties, by their early thirties most of these women are doing the white picket fence thing. They, and the men they love, are off the market without much fanfare nor ado.
So, who’s left? For better or worse, it’s mainly people who have unrealistic expectations of a potential beau. After having read literally thousands of profiles there are a lot of women with pie in the sky lists of attributes they want in a dude. Definitely file under the oft-quoted line from the Pogo cartoon, “We have met the enemy and he is us.” That’s why Hanes has such fun with his gallows humor takes on certain profiles, included herein. It’s not like these guys do not exist per se. There are probably 5-6 guys in the world who are 6’2”, financially secure, dashingly handsome, athletic, kind and caring, a great dancer, not stuck on himself, loves opera and poetry, fantastic around kids and puppy dogs, loves to travel, etc. The ultimate question is who are these women and why do they think this way?
New York City is like a magnet for women who fancy themselves creative and unique. It’s a true universal situation. Almost like these gals are herded up in towns across the country and given one-way bus tickets to New York City, to the collective sighs of relief from those left behind. The ubiquity of women who work in fashion, advertising, web design, publishing is astounding on internet personals websites. And they all think they are so absolutely fabulous that they make a virtue of their faults, lauding the fact that they are tough to tame, irrepressibly moody and hard to please divas.
I think it’s a safe assumption to say that many of these women work in one of two situations. They either work in an industry without many straight men they could meet (fashion) or they are freelancers or artists who work at home. In any event, they have somehow put themselves into a position where most of the “good men” are either gone (gosh, where are they?) or experienced enough to not put up with the diva act.
After all, if life should teach us anything it is that being a “handful” is not a virtue!
You know who I am. Stop sending me your pathetic self serving and ultra boring emails. I used to like you, now I loathe you. Please do me favor and continue your covert search for the perfect Eastern European sex worker, who really really likes you, on your own time. You are so sad. Leave me alone please, please, please. And stop trying to act like you have no idea what’s going on...you do. If not you do now.
HANES SAYS: There’s ultra-fun stuff online too! Like this post from Craigslist. You don’t even have to know the woman to share her pain. I feel you, girlfriend! Did he ever read this? Was it something like those “Missed Connections” ads Hanes never reads? Again, the worldwide web is a mysterious place, so full of intrigue and shadows. More importantly, did he ever find the perfect Eastern European sex worker? Are there more where she came from???
Sophisticated, slender, stylish and sexy to a fault. BUT, above all else, I pride myself on being a beautiful/good person on the inside. I’m interesting and dynamic, with a unique look and quirky personality. I’m not very photogenic (Trust me, the REAL thing is so much better-I’m actually super MODEST) I consider myself “real”. I’m honest, kind, thoughtful, polite, and don’t pretend to be anything I’m not. Ok, enough with the seriousness. For the most part I’m laid back, upbeat, very spontaneous, really fun and light hearted. I try to live my life and not let it live me.
Born and raised in California, I moved away to experience different people, lifestyles and ultimately to find myself, which I have. I’ve lived in Atlanta, LA, SF, Paris, DC, Buffalo, Philly, Italy, and finally NYC. All of these places, experiences and people I have met along the way have added to who I am today. Am I perfect, of course not, but I’m Wonderfully Flawed. I’M SO HAPPY IN MY LIFE and often think it just couldn’t be any better than this, but then I realize it SO WOULD if the right person was there to share it.
I’m interested in someone who knows himself, what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it! Self confidence with modesty is so attractive but arrogance isn’t for me. I’m looking for someone who Admires, Respects and Appreciates me just as I do him--and has the ability to show it. Someone with diverse interests and a witty and clever sense of humor. We “get” each other- unabashadly being ourselves with the other and don’t have to think about it..just feels so right! There’s nothing sexier than great intellect and I love a man with a big dictionary. If you live for monotonous routine we’re not for each other. If you’re excited to learn about and try new things then you’re my kind of man!!
I’m always seeking the unfamiliar and the exotic. I’ve roughed it in the Australian outback, gone to Russia for the ballet, to Florence in search of a long lost da Vinci, to Bilbao for the architecture, but I’m just as happy reading in Central Park.
HANES SAYS: You’d think that 34 years of life and all these incredible experiences would teach a chick that modest ≠ saying that one is “sophisticated, slender, stylish and sexy to a fault.” It continues to boggle the mind that human beings reach adulthood with such a narrow perspective on life and the world around them. No sense of proportion, no humility borne of empathizing with the true struggles of humanity, nothing. Geez. The world writ large — and not seen from a jet flying high above from Ibiza to Los Angeles — can be a crappy place, full of suffering and nasty shit. I suppose in the end it’s the parents to blame for not inculcating a broader view of the world in her pretty blonde head. The bastards.
Blonde, buxom, fit, athletic and sexy Princess seeks affluent, successful, well endowed (financially and physically) Alpha gentleman for long term arrangement with potential for marriage. While my expectations may seem demanding or bitchy to some, I am a genuine daddy’s girl; a “Princess” who knows full well how to spoil my provider. In exchange for companionship, romance and fetish role play, at a minimum I expect payment of my monthly mortgage, a shopping allowance, regular delivery of groceries preferably from Fresh Direct, Fairway or Dean & DeLuca. Also, please have an upscale and relatively new European Sports Sedan (preferably 750IL or 600 SL) and either a Summer rental or a second home in the Hamptons. I go to the gym regularly and keep a year round tan. During the summer months I prefer to be near the beach but am not interested in taking the Jitney or other public transport to the Hamptons. If your car is parked at your Summer home, a helicopter is fine. There is a Heleport on the Upper East Side as well as downtown. It is pricey perhaps but far more convenient. My lover would pay for all of my bills and expenses....... not because I’m lazy, addicted to extravagance, or have some weird fetish, but because you are rich and can easily afford to look after me. I am damn well worth it. Why? I am presentable to your friends, parents and work colleaques and perform like a dominatrix and porn star behind closed doors. But there is a price for an urban sophisticate with these talents. Finally, if we marry, you will pay off my mortgage in full before I move in with you and i will own my apartment free and clear and will have the option to sell it or hold on to it as an investment. If I hold on to it as an investment, you will pay the monthly maintenance. There will be no Prenuptial arrangement that in any way undermines my total economic and financial security.
HANES SAYS: A true classic, straddles the line between fact and wanting to believe it’s fiction. Although, one has to say that reality is rarely so kind as to make these types of internet dating profiles be fiction. Sigh. I’m too lazy to try and attach the pictures that go with these profiles and maybe some things should be left in the shadows. Suffice it to say, this is one 38 year old bottle blonde with a rack that probably cost a pretty penny. Assuming the veracity of such audacious posts, it makes me want to do one of those “Where Are They Now?” segments and see if this chickie bagged her Investment Banker and whether or not they made it past six months together. Where did Hanes misplace his Cloak of Omnipotence?”
I try to live life to the fullest - I enjoy working hard, working out, having fun with friends, exploring the city, nights out dancing, an exquisite meal with great wine. I’m someone who’s curious about how the world works, & I enjoy a good debate. I’m disciplined & equally spontaneous; If you’re someone who enjoys these things equally, who takes himself seriously, likes physical activity, socializing, traveling, advocating for good causes, likes to laugh, is well informed about the world, & appreciates life... then, perhaps there’s a ‘Match’. I don’t believe in the notion of the “perfect date” as I’ve found that the best & most enduring things in life are often the most unexpected.
HANES SAYS: I’ll have to check with my webhosting service but I think I only have 1040GB of space for this website. Which means commenting on every profile like this where (a) the woman qualifies things by stating she is not looking for “perfection” while (b) then going on to list every opposite attribute a man can possess would very quickly exceed this paltry amount of web storage space. Disciplined and spontaneous, takes himself seriously and likes to laugh, gimme a break. How many women really want to date a man who suffers from bi-polar disorder? Now this chick is nowhere near the most egregious example. Hopefully I’ll find that soon enough! Hah! Normal people may be capable of encompassing such oppositional traits but the appearance of one or the other will occur quite infrequently, nowhere near enough to satisfy a chick who thinks a person can maintain an integrated personality while evincing the whole host of these traits on a regular basis.
Plus, one of the greatest clichés of all time is this “live life to the fullest” nonsense. I’d love to have someone explain what this means in a practical sense. If you’re working 50-60 hours to afford living life to the fullest, when do you have time to do so? If you’re not a workaholic, how do you enrich your life doing all these fantabulous activities without any cash? It’s one of the most contentless phrases in the English language and basically just trumpets a sense of self-entitlement -- “I’m special and want it all!” Well, you go girl! And don’t be surprised when you find out this guy who also lives life to the fullest is boffing your best friend behind your back...
The person I am looking for is passionate about life and doesn’t take himself too seriously and can laugh at himself. I would like to meet someone, who is kind and understanding, thoughtful, intelligent, outgoing, fun and smart, and is looking for a serious relationship.
HANES SAYS: Ditto, baby, ditto. Or “Attack of the Clones!” Ever wonder why women get treated like numbers or like cattle online? Witness the sheer redundancy of their prose.
Like so many other chiquitas she wants a stud who is “passionate” about life. How fucking embarrassing. Yes, I have been at times “passionate” about things like philosophy or wine. But then again you see an endless parade or profiles by women asking for this passionate man. Who are these men? What these women seem to have in mind most of the time is some Fabio looking guy who will be painting the sun setting over the seashore and then turn and see *her* and then ravish her in the loam. Romance novel bullshit. The funny thing is that if you look up passionate in the dictionary the first definition is almost always “easily aroused to anger.” Now, is this what she wants? Methinks not! See, only later among the definitions does it say “capable of expressing intense feeling” while it never says what kind of feelings. A passionate person can feel hatred, lust, fear, self-doubt as well as kindness, romantic ardor, etc. Usually, a person who is truly passionate expresses all these things equally. Hey, maybe that’s why women are so hung up on guys having to possess diametrically opposite qualities!
A man who is happy, assertive, deliberate in his actions, totally romantic, passionate, has a delightful sense of humor, an uncanny ability to make me BLUSH!, committed with his life passions & missions, committed to going deep into love and the depth of sex, INTERESTED IN GROWING SPIRITUALLY THROUGH AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, through sexual enlightment, not afraid of going in deeper, not afraid of being seen, not afraid of being emotionally available, a man who had all the experiences he wanted to have in life, who has explored his desires and curiosities and NOW wants ONE female companion to explore the depth of being together in its many levels, and many pleasures and joys - to be happy together, live together, laugher, home, adventures, a man who loves movies, perhaps works with movies, highly talented, creative, purposeful, daring, prolific, successful, a manifestor, loves what he does, powerful with himself and his world, abundant, wealthy, extremely healthy with healthy habits, healthy food, perhaps martial art’s, healing arts, a mystic, a shaman of our times, charismatic, witty, smart, contagious excitement, contagious smile, good looking, super sensual, super comfortable inside his skin, HOT, slender seductive body and soul, looking-eyes, a superior man who doesn’t sweat the small stuff, who grabs me, kisses and tames me when I’m mad.
HANES SAYS: OK, is there anything this chick does not want? This is some scary shit here. Do you see how it’s hard not to laugh at this crap? Spend even a few weeks or months punishing your brain with this kind of drivel and who wouldn’t become jaded? If there is even one man alive who could come within a country mile of this description I’ll eat my hat. And, if this one guy does exist, err, why the hell would he pick her? That’s the entirety of her post. No enticement or explanation of what she brings to the table in return. Good luck there, honey.
It’s 1 am on Monday morning. I have arrived safely back to my nest in lovely old Boston. I have a tres nuttitional dinner of Sofia Coppola Blanc de Blancs and a chocolate marshmallow from Bread and Circus before me. Under the circumstances I am sure you will understand why I feel that at this time it’s time to begin a search for a more balalanced life than the one that sits in my lap at present. Not that there’s a problem with my lap, mind you. It’s a sassy size 6 and it segues nicley between my torso and legs just fine. It;s just that I’m feeling a teeney bit...over it?
I’m your typical cute as a button, smart as a whip, very well educated, well read, well travelled super genius sex kitten, and I need an extrememly confident man who wants his very own artist princess. There is Nina Simone in the background, a snoring pug to my right, but still a space on my left for the handsome devil who doesn’t think a one hour flight is an insurmountable nightmare. I went to grad school in NY and am wondering if it’s time to return. Does anyone have an any incentives?”
HANES SAYS: The chick who wrote this is 38 years old. And she should know better. First of all Sofia Coppola Blanc de Blancs blows. Any “well travelled super genius sex kitten” should know that. Duh. When I read this kind of rampant egotism all I can think about is “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.” The guy who chases her for her Trophy status (assuming she does have the goods) is going to be just as full of himself and is going to get awfully bored soon enough with his “artist princess.” Water finds its own level and any dude who would satisfy this woman is almost by definition unsatisfiable. He is a Master of the Universe always on the prowl for the next Big Conquest. Including women. So, enjoy him while you can because he’s gone, baby, gone once he sees some other skirt at Bungalow 8 or some Hamptons manse.
When you have a powerful mind, an evolved soul, loving heart, talent, charisma, sex-appeal and attractiveness, you are beyond beautiful. You are a treasure.
If there is such a treasure around, please start by sending your picture.
The rest will be history.
You are 31-43, attractive, openminded, ready for erotic pleasures.
You set the limits.”
HANES SAYS: This 35 years old is such a treasure she belongs on Treasure Island. Sadly, Treasure Island does not exist. And probably neither does she. And, ya know, what is so “evolved” about needing a picture first? Does the Dalai Lama look like Brad Pitt? Hmmm.